Free and Insecure

I have a friend named Justin Anderson, and I've written about him before in my blog. He's a wise dude, a trusted friend, and a man of God. He writes GREAT music, and this fall he released an album called Paper Candle. (It is awesome, and you should listen to it asap.)

The third song on the album, "Free and Insecure," has given me endless food for thought in the last year or so of my life. You can listen to it here. These are the lyrics:

The fireworks end, and we go to bed

With a metric ton of dissonance in our heads

We lay ourselves down, and we fall asleep

Hoping our aversion somehow meets our needs

We're so afraid, we're so afraid

So open up all the doors and start laying down all your arms

You might finally be free and insecure

And open up both your hands and stop making such war with them

You might finally make peace with where you are

The truth of it is we're afraid to be quiet...

As the weight of mystery presses in on us

But there's somethings you and I are just not meant to know

Can we just stop to wonder that we're even here at all

And open up all the doors, start laying down all your arms

We might finally be free and insecure

And open up both your hands and stop making such war with them

You might finally make peace with where you are

And I'm wise enough to know that I'm young

But I know that there's a war in us

And the only way we're gonna make peace is to give up

'Cause we're trying so hard to believe

That being strong will make us free

When the only thing we really need is a little honesty

So open up all the doors, start laying down all your arms

You might finally be free and insecure

And open up both your hands, stop making such war with them

You might finally make peace with where you are

I can't tell you how many times I've listened to that song, and each time it's like a gut punch that I don't want to end. Free and insecure. My type-A, academic, control-freak nature leads me to believe that those concepts are at odds, but I'm starting to believe that there is freedom in insecurity. I'm human, and that means I'm not God, and since God is the only one who has it all figured out, maybe I'd be a whole lot happier if I accepted that insecurity is where I'm supposed to live. I mean, we all have insecurities, and no matter how hard we try to hide them, we still end up living with them. Maybe saying that out loud and admitting to our weaknesses isn't as bad as we think it is going to be. Maybe self-acceptance and radical dependence on God will be a whole lot more fulfilling than continuing to play the part of someone who is independent and has it all together.

I could write more, but for now my recommendation would be that you listen to the song again...and again...and again.

(For more on Justin and Paper Candle, you can read this interview he did with Proclaim Radio.)